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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228008">I Guess I'll Sleep When I'm Dead</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_knife/pseuds/space_knife'>space_knife</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Memory Loss, Past Relationship(s), Spoilers, Terminal Illnesses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:00:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,750</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228008</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_knife/pseuds/space_knife</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>''Still, it feels like there is something missing, and it frustrates V to no end that he's unable to point out exactly what it is. There is almost nothing he can remember from that one heist and to the point where he is now, despite it having been months.''</p><p>Not only is V slowly dying, but it also seems like there is something very important he has forgotten. It keeps V awake at night, not knowing what it is and why it bothers him so much. With what little time he has left, it is up to V to remember whatever it is he has forgotten before it's too late.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Johnny Silverhand/Male V, Panam Palmer/Male V</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Just Tell Me Where My Time Went</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic's based on one of the endings of the game, and thus contains spoilers! </p><p>Title and chapter names from 'I'll Sleep When I'm Dead' by Set It Off.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's 3 AM and V can't sleep. He's lying on the bed in his and Panam's shared tent, bloodshot eyes wide open and mind a hazy fuzz. </p>
<p>It had started to rain outside not so long ago, the drops softly hitting the fabric of the tent a comforting sound alongside the gentle snoring from Panam right next to him. One of her arms is slung across his chest, the warmth of her body snuggled tightly against his side. </p>
<p>They have been on the road for about a month now or so, still in the search for a cure for V's constantly worsening illness. Despite the constant reassurances of them getting closer and closer each day, V can see from the deep shadows under Panam's eyes and the way Mitch refuses to meet V's gaze that no, they're really not. </p>
<p>And V's not a complete idiot, either. He can feel it himself that he doesn't have much time left; can feel it every time he coughs up blood, or faints and doesn't wake up for several days. His brain is slowly rotting away, and there is no way to fix it.</p>
<p>The weirdest part, though, is that him slowly dying isn't what is bothering him the most. Sure, he is upset about the entire ordeal; spending most of the mornings curled up in bed and staring blankly ahead, sometimes even allowing himself to cry softly when he thinks Panam won't notice. But what bothers V the most is that he can't really remember what had happened. He has gotten the gist of it: a heist gone bad that had ended up with him getting a defunct chip installed into his brain, and despite the swift removal of said chip it had managed to cause irreversible damage.</p>
<p>Still, it feels like there is <i>something</i> missing, and it frustrates V to no end that he's unable to point out exactly what it is. There is almost nothing he can remember from that one heist and to the point where he is now, despite it having been months. He <i>does</i> remember the people he has met and helped, the gigs and missions he has undergone, but nothing, <i>nothing</i> at all related to the damned heist.</p>
<p>It's almost as if there's a hole somewhere in V's brain, something alongside the decaying tissue. A hole he can't see past, no matter how much he tries to. </p>
<p>A hole that somehow feels like could be the key to why V is dying. Maybe it's wishful thinking; a desperate man's way to find some kind of hope in his current situation. A last wish maybe, of some sort.</p>
<p>After all, is it really too much to ask for? To know why one is dying?</p>
<p>The rain outside has stopped. Panam mumbles something in her sleep as she turns away from V, the sudden space between them cold and empty.</p>
<p>V sighs and gets up from the bed, fumbling in the dark in search of the tent's entrance. It isn't that cold outside, making the shirt V is currently wearing enough.</p>
<p>A starry sky greets him as V steps outside, a breathtaking sight still despite having seen it every night the past month. Having grown up and spent most of his life in Night City, such a sight has always been rare and V's not above appreciating it. </p>
<p>He takes a seat on the ground just outside the camp, palms dug into the dirt behind him and legs stretched out. Panam had taught him some of the constellations at one point, gently having teased him for being such a city boy. V can make out one of them now and traces the stars with his eyes.</p>
<p>V lifts his arm up in front of him, the latest implants in his eyes allowing him to see a bit better in the dark. His gaze lands upon the strange tattoo on his forearm, another reminder of his forgotten past. It's a simple design of a heart, with a '<i>Johnny + V</i>' inscribed inside of it. V has no idea where he has gotten it, nor does he know who the hell <i>Johnny</i> is, despite how the name sends a strange jolt through his chest every time he sees it.</p>
<p>It is times like these when V's alone, that his instincts tell him something is about to happen. What that something is, he has no fucking clue, but his instincts tell him he should listen. At times it feels ridiculous: there is nothing to listen to except for the wind, the birds chirping somewhere far away, and other nature-related bullshit like that. </p>
<p>And yet, for some V almost expects someone to speak to him, a voice only to be heard by him. V has no idea why but suspects it has something to do with the missing part of his memories. Sometimes, V wonders if he's really about to lose his mind. Who knows, maybe listening to voices that aren't there is merely another sign of dying.</p>
<p>Though, if he keeps sitting like this all alone, it's almost as if the dark hole inside his head parts off a little, allowing a ray of light to pass through it. </p>
<p>And so V keeps listening for that invisible voice, bringing him a strange sense of comfort.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I'm losing time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to all of you who have left kudos! It makes me happy to know that people are enjoying these angsty little chapters!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's approximately 1:15 am when V wakes up, coughing violently. His palm comes away glistening with blood as another cough wrecks through his body, and V curls up into a tiny ball under the thin covers. </p>
<p>The fit eventually passes, leaving his body trembling and lungs aching. V stares blankly at the wall of the tent, blood-stained hand gripping the edge of his blanket tightly. From outside he can hear muffled laughs and conversations. The rest of the Aldecaldos are still up, it would seem. All of them except V, who had simply been too exhausted and had hoped to get some actual rest tonight. Tough luck, it would seem. His eyelids feel so, <i>so</i> heavy and there's a pressure in his head that won't go away; a dull, constant pounding. </p>
<p>V eventually manages to stumble out of the bed, bones in his knees cracking as his feet hit the dusty ground. Panam is by his side the second he exits the tent, eyes heavy with worry as she takes in his current state.</p>
<p>''Oh, V,'' she says softly, putting an arm around his shoulders as she leads him towards the campfire the rest of them are sitting by. V allows Panam to push him down onto the ground next to her and before he knows it he's enveloped in her comforting warmth, face pressed against her shoulder. The fire is warm against the side of his face, and V allows himself to close his eyes and breathes in and out, taking in the familiar scent of Panam.</p>
<p>Someone greets him but V isn't sure who it is; too tired and out of it to even care. The conversation around him continues, albeit more subdued and V is able to catch some snippets of it here and there.</p>
<p>''<i>...getting worse and worse each day...</i>''</p>
<p>''<i>...not sure how long he has left...</i>''</p>
<p>''Shut up!'' V can hear Panam snap, her body abruptly jerking forwards and jostling V in the process. He lets out a small sound of surprise and blinks blearily up at her. </p>
<p>''Oh fuck. Sorry, V,'' Panam mumbles, and V notices the vague sheepishness in her tone. She settles down again next to him, and V can feel how tense her body is though she does not move again. </p>
<p>''In case you haven't noticed, V is <i>right here</i>.'' Panam's voice is ice cold, and even despite the bonfire V can feel a chill go down his spine. ''And last time I checked he isn't deaf. So stop fucking acting like he is.''</p>
<p>'<i>He's having a rough time as it is</i>.' He could hear her say, some time ago when Panam didn't know he was listening. Or was it even Panam who said it, or someone else entirely? Memories are beginning to blur and fade into each other, and at this point, V can't trust his brain to correctly place them.</p>
<p>The others seem to have caught on as well, and they fall into an uncomfortable silence. V tries to work out a sentence past his parched throat, to tell her that it's fine, <i>really</i>. But before he's even gotten one word out he falls into yet another coughing-fit. A warm hand grips his shoulder while another one strokes his back in reassuring circles, and V can hear Panam sharply inhaling as he feels something wet and familiar dribble past his lips and down his chin. He quickly wipes the blood away with his hand, not wanting the others to see him in this sorry state.</p>
<p>But it's too late and he knows it, as blood continues to stream from his mouth until it feels like it's clogging his throat and nose, filling up his lungs until he can't breathe <i>can't breathe</i>.</p>
<p>Black spots begin to fill V's vision as he sinks onto his hands and knees, the alarmed shouts and yells around him fading and irrelevant. A sudden flash of something: a similar situation, of V lying on the ground with daggers shooting through his chest and vision nothing but static and numbing pain. The same feeling of drowning in his own blood.The feeling of dying, of being helpless and alone. </p>
<p>No, not alone.</p>
<p>A hand reaches down to V in his vision, followed by a face he can't recognize, hidden as it is behind a wall of swirling mist. </p>
<p>''I'm dying...'' V whispers, to whom he isn't sure. A voice he doesn't recognize, yet at the same time does because <i>fuck</i>; hasn't he heard it so many times before, in situations like this?</p>
<p>The unknow voice washes over him, overlapping with the frantic shouting around him. A hand tightly grips his wrist, and V isn't sure whether it's real or not. Not anymore.</p>
<p>''<i>You ain't dying yet</i>.'' The voice says as V's vision begins to darken. ''<i>I got you</i>.''</p>
<p>And V believes in that voice, knows it to be right. As it always has been. V won't die today, and yet... </p>
<p>Why does it suddenly feel like he wants to?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Time stands still, but I cannot</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the long wait! Made this chapter a bit longer to make up for it =)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The grass is soft under V's hand as he carefully threads his fingers through the wet blades, a chill gust of night air playing with his hair. The valley beneath his feet is bathed in moonlight, and V lets his gaze wander the scenery; to the swaying treetops, the trickle of cold light running across the river.</p>
<p>A set of footsteps behind him. V doesn't turn around, but hums in acknowledgment as Panam sits down next to him. Her hand is on his shoulder and V leans against her, taking a deep breath and letting the scent of roads and earth with a hint of lilac fill his senses and calms his mind.</p>
<p>Neither of them speaks, at least for a while, content with the sounds of the night and the presence of each other.</p>
<p>It's V who breaks the silence, his voice soft and barely above a murmur, as if afraid to break the silence that has settled between them.</p>
<p>''I've kept seeing this vision, lately. More of a person, I guess, appearing during my attacks.''</p>
<p>Next to him Panam shifts, gently, carefully, trying to get a better look at his face. Half of it is covered in shadows, the other in the light of the moon. The expression on V's face is neutral, carefully blank but Panam knows him enough by now to see the telltale tightness around his eyes.</p>
<p>She frowns for the both of them. ''What do they look like?'' Panam asks.</p>
<p>The wind picks up its pace. Leaves flutter around and past them, carrying V's answer away with it.</p>
<p>''<i>Familiar.</i>''</p>
<p>V lets out a sigh, falling onto his back. Above him, the stars blink down at him. He blinks back sluggishly.</p>
<p>''I don't know what they look like,'' V says. ''There's this fog obscuring their features, but their voice...'' <i>Clear</i>, full of worry, ringing in his ears even now. </p>
<p>Panam settles down next to him, humming quietly as she treads her fingers through V's hair, encouraging him to go on.</p>
<p>''There's a part of me that feels like I should know them, desperately so. But every time I try to focus it feels like they're slipping further and further away, right past my fingers like water.'' V holds up his hand in front of his face as he speaks, fingers clenching into a tight grip. ''I just... <i>Fuck</i>. Why can't I remember? I feel like I'm going insane.''</p>
<p>Next to him, Panam stiffens, and V turns his head around to see a look of regret flash through her eyes, teeth worrying her lower lip.</p>
<p>''Panam? What is it?'' V asks, and her frown is gone in an instant, replaced with a smile. It's small, not quite reaching her eyes.</p>
<p>''I know how you feel, kinda,'' she says, her hand settling down on V's chest. She strokes her thumb across his shirt, just above his heart. ''My parents abandoned me when I was young, as I've told you before. Couldn't really remember what they looked like, still can't. Every time I tried to it just ended up with headaches and pain, and in the end, it was better not to force myself to remember, as hard as it was.''</p>
<p>V pulls her closer to him, a protective arm wrapped around her shoulders as Panam nuzzles her nose against his neck. She lets out a deep sigh.</p>
<p>''I guess, though, that they still leave their marks. A reminder, maybe, that they at some point existed even though we can't remember them,'' Panam says, taking hold of V's free hand and bringing it to eye-level. The mysterious tattoo is still there, and V's breath catches in his throat as Panam gently runs her finger across the inked heart. She traces the engraved names inside of it, her nail tickling V's sensitive skin.</p>
<p>''Do you think this person I keep seeing is Johnny?'' V asks, eyes following Panam's movements. His heart flutters, throat tightening as he says the name. It's a weird feeling, achingly close to sadness and regret and V just can't fathom why.</p>
<p>A shooting star blazes quickly across the sky above them. Panam's grip on V's wrist tightens momentarily before she releases her hold, and this time there is no mistaking the look in her eyes. They are misty, and her smile wobbles a bit as she leans her head against his chest. </p>
<p>V brushes Panam's hair away from her eyes, gently tucking it behind her ear. ''Panam? What's wrong?'' He asks quietly, unsure of her reaction. Usually, she is stoic, flippant; only getting like this after one of V's attacks. But V's been doing surprisingly well for over a week now, no sudden blacking-outs nor coughing up blood. He doesn't know why she is reacting the way she is, and after a moment passes between them V lets it go, his hand stroking her side instead.</p>
<p>What V doesn't know, and probably never will, is that <i>yes</i>, Panam does know who Johnny is. She knows why he can't remember, has gotten a serious warning of what would happen if V recovered those memories, seconds before Johnny became nothing but a ghost for V. It should have helped, having V forget, should have done <i>something</i>. </p>
<p>Panam squeezes her eyes tighter shut, ignoring the tears staining V's shirt. Should've and could've. But then again, when did anything work for the better? The world was a cruel, unforgiving place. It took and took and left nothing but misery and pain in its wake. Panam had learned that lesson from a young age. She could forgive and forget what had happened to her, but what she couldn't stand; the thing that made her feel like her heart was being forcefully ripped out of her chest was the idea of V succumbing to the unfairness of fate, slowly fading away and from her.</p>
<p>They lie there for what seems like an eternity, but is only an hour or so, the moon bathing them in its light. Beneath her, Panam can feel that V has fallen asleep, chest gently rising and lowering with each breath. They have to leave back to the camp eventually, but Panam lets him sleep for now, under the starry sky.</p>
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